God’s emails 1

Hackers of Faith have succeeded in hacking God’s emails.

There are many trillions of them, and it will take generations to read them all – if ever.

Whom does God email? Apparently his son and a “holy” ghost.

One enormous help to us is that God decided that he would write in our modern English – millennia before it came into use in our world.

Here are a few quotations from the first batch downloaded. They are not in chronological order. Some obviously come from thousands of years before we “invented” email.

Must definitely decide whether to make him let my chosen people go. I say okay – and then I harden my heart. Over and over again. “Ditherer!” I say to myself.

Made same beetle as last but this time green – and no spots.

Tsunami victims begging for lives to be saved. Absolutely not! We’ve been through this before. How many more times? Entry for March 3 1562 says it all.

Bird flu not yet off the ground. No hurry. Ebola doing okay.

Allah who?

Ten-leg bug? If so, evolve or fresh design?

That bankrupt fellow again complaining wife dead, son lost, daughter debauched, increasing abdominal pains, on and on. Same old refrain, “Why Oh why?” Well, that’s for me to know and him to suffer. Anyway, what generation is it for the visiting of iniquities in his case – fourth or fifth?  I think still one to go. Check for me please, Shade?

Preparing 2nd hurricane for Florida coast. The tree blocking that nice guy Jim’s sea-view still standing. This time – whambo!

Okay, cooling breeze on its way to Little Hampton.

Must not let Shirley P miss last bus. Delay it at traffic lights – hold red.

Small pox revival cancelled.

Measles in 3 “Indian” Reserves, Canada. Spread to US immediately.

More ebola? No-0-0. Launch Zika.

One million three hundred thousand five hundred and two more types of beetles. This very day. Why not?

Yes, will make him let them go. But can’t remember now why I chose them. Or what for.

Briefing of angels? Need-to-know basis only.

So it’s as I thought – fourth generation. He’s still moaning “Why Oh why?” Can’t he get it? Because I say so!

Life on more planets? Can’t be bothered. But will put traces to puzzle people. A bit of fun, foxing them.

Clash of galaxies. Whoops! Shouldn’t have happened. Wasn’t watching.

“Why Oh why?” Enough already! You’re history, moaner! Justice Shmustice!

Another nine hundred thousand and eighty-eight beetles. Entirely new. Phew!

Cannot recall why I gave female kangaroo two vaginas! What was I thinking? Beats me!

And why did I give human beings an appendix that they can’t use? Habit, I suppose.

No it’s My Space. My Space and My Time.

e to the power of I pi plus 1 = zero defines me ? Nah!

Will create living creatures that must regularly and often devour other living creatures in order to survive. Animals and humans must eat other animals and/or humans. Every day. Struggle or die. I see that that is good.

Yesss – keep it real! Keep it spontaneous!

Don’t know why I told them not to worship other gods before me. There aren’t any other gods.

I’m beginning to regret making people. I no longer get the worship, the obedience, the awe that I used to. Dilemma! If I make them just as I want them to be I’ll get no surprises from them and then I’ll be bored again.

Hackers of Faith have promised to release more from time to time, so watch this space. His space.

He might put a stop to it. But we think he’s getting a real kick out of giving us occasional insights, at last, into his mysterious ways.

Posted under Humor by Jillian Becker on Sunday, October 30, 2016

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  • liz

    That’s funny! Making billions of beetles is his ‘hobby’ in between the tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, Ebola, and Zika. Sounds like a busy guy!