The latest moral imperative preached at us by our betters is to feel sorry for shellfish.

“O Oysters, come and walk with us!”

      The Walrus did beseech.

“A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,

      Along the briny beach:

We cannot do with more than four,

      To give a hand to each.”

 

The eldest Oyster looked at him,

      But never a word he said:

The eldest Oyster winked his eye,

      And shook his heavy head —

Meaning to say he did not choose

      To leave the oyster-bed.

 

But four young Oysters hurried up,

      All eager for the treat:

Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,

      Their shoes were clean and neat —

And this was odd, because, you know,

      They hadn’t any feet.

 

Four other Oysters followed them,

      And yet another four;

And thick and fast they came at last,

      And more, and more, and more —

All hopping through the frothy waves,

      And scrambling to the shore.

 

The Walrus and the Carpenter

      Walked on a mile or so,

And then they rested on a rock

      Conveniently low:

And all the little Oysters stood

      And waited in a row.

 

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,

      “To talk of many things:

Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —

      Of cabbages — and kings —

And why the sea is boiling hot —

      And whether pigs have wings.”

 

“But wait a bit,” the Oysters cried,

      “Before we have our chat;

For some of us are out of breath,

      And all of us are fat!”

“No hurry!” said the Carpenter.

      They thanked him much for that.

 

“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,

     “Is what we chiefly need:

Pepper and vinegar besides

      Are very good indeed —

Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,

      We can begin to feed.”

 

“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,

      Turning a little blue.

“After such kindness, that would be

      A dismal thing to do!”

“The night is fine,” the Walrus said.

      “Do you admire the view?

 

“It was so kind of you to come!

      And you are very nice!'”

The Carpenter said nothing but

      “Cut us another slice:

I wish you were not quite so deaf —

      I’ve had to ask you twice!”

 

“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,

      “To play them such a trick,

After we’ve brought them out so far,

      And made them trot so quick!”

The Carpenter said nothing but

      “The butter’s spread too thick!”

 

“I weep for you,” the Walrus said:

     “I deeply sympathize.”

With sobs and tears he sorted out

      Those of the largest size,

Holding his pocket-handkerchief

      Before his streaming eyes.

 

“O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,

      “You’ve had a pleasant run!

Shall we be trotting home again?”

      But answer came there none —

And this was scarcely odd, because

      They’d eaten every one. 

                                                                                                            – Lewis Carroll

 

Breitbart reports:

In its new crusade for veganism, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has rushed to the defense of oysters and other bivalves, insisting they should be respected and never eaten.

“Oysters are never vegan,” PETA announced in a short video presentation … “Bivalves are animals that deserve our consideration and should never be eaten or used in any other way.”

In its attempt to tug at the heartstrings of possible sympathizers, PETA underscored the cruelty with which oysters are treated just to feed undeserving human beings.

“Their shells are torn open and their bodies are cut up,” the video proclaimed.

“Oysters can sense danger and hide inside their shells….”

Heartless though we are towards oysters, and devour them with relish though we do, we are grateful to PETA for the comic relief – although Breitbart concludes with a gloomy prediction:

Once lettuce also becomes worthy of respect rather than appetite, say goodbye to the human race.